Feelings

How do you find peace?

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There are several definitions of peace but I like a couple from Merriam-Webster.

Peace- 

~ a state of tranquility or quiet

~ freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

~ harmony in personal relations

Peace is a state where all good things come from. A way of being. A way of doing. 

How do you know when you are at peace? No matter what’s going on around you, at your core on the inside, you aren’t bothered or upset. In the moment everything is ok. More than ok. It just is and you aren’t bothered either way. You feel calm, centered, grounded.

Maybe it’s letting go of a troubling thought or idea.

Watching a favorite show

Strolling through your neighborhood

Spending time with loved ones or friends

Playing with a pet

Listening to the birds

Painting

Driving with the windows down

Journaling

Drinking coffee with no agenda for an hour

Reading an inspiring magazine article

Planting flower bulbs

Making a new recipe

Walking in the woods

Delving deeply into a good book

Meditating

How do you find peace??

Are you doing it at least once a day? A few times a week? Ever? 

It’s there for the taking anytime you choose. But you must choose it. 

We could all use a little more peace in our daily lives couldn’t we?

It’s right in front of you. You know what you need.  Here’s your nudge to go find it.

Feel free to leave a comment on the blog below, or email me, susan@susancarrollcoaching.com.

Please share if you know just the perfect person who would love this.

~ Susan

Helping You Live A Slower, Simpler Life

Image by Pixabay, with permission.

 

Holiday Feelings

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This is the time of year when almost everyone celebrates one holiday or another in December or early January. It’s a time of great joy, stress, and sadness. Families and friends get together to celebrate, and at the same time many have lost loved ones. We’re ending one year and beginning another. This year’s presidential election has changed a lot of people’s moods this December as well.

And you know what, however you are feeling, whether it be happy, depressed, or anything in-between, just go with it. Sit with it, be in it, journal about it, talk with someone about it, feel it. Our emotions come and go all day long, that’s normal. Some linger longer. Those are the ones that have a message for you. What are you needing to hear?

In the end, give gratitude (even a little). It’s our feelings, our emotions, that let us know what’s important to us.

Sending you Big Love at Holiday time.

Leave a comment on the blog below if you’d like.

If you think, “I know one friend who would really like this”, please forward it to them.

If you found this helpful, let me know. I’d love to hear from you, susan@susancarrollcoaching.com.

~ Susan

Your true life (know it, feel it, live it)

Image by pixabay

When Fear Brings You to Tears

My husband and I headed out to the Hell’s Canyon area in Idaho last weekend. The plan was to backpack and stay out one night, then meet our friends for the other 3 nights at a campground called Seven Devils. We drove the 8 hours from Bend to get to our destination. We left the trailhead late afternoon and hiked about two hours where we found a great campsite right next to a beautiful creek and waterfall. After a hearty breakfast of oatmeal we headed out for the day. The plan was to hike to a specific lake then do some bushwhacking to get back to the campground. It would be much shorter than hiking to the lake and turning around to go back the way we had already come.

Our bushwhack started off well. This is not an uncommon thing for us. We had GPS and my husband is an excellent navigator. Plus this was a route others had taken and my husband had found it online. We were able to get up near the top of a series of peaks, hiking on boulders. The view was spectacular with mountain after mountain after valley seen from our approximately 9000 foot perch.

Now we just had to get down. We checked out several options for heading down this rock covered mountain. They were not good ones. But we finally found one as we curled our way around and headed below. We had to put our poles away and climb down but there were several hand and foot holds to help us along the way. Until there weren’t.

We got to a spot where we could see the valley below but had a few hundred feet left to get there. Unfortunately, the drop-offs got larger and the hand and footholds were not there to support two people with packs and a dog trying to navigate all of this. And as luck would have it, the day was getting short on light, my legs were tired, and now we had no option but to climb back up the way we’d come and find another way down. To head down further we were risking serious injury and that just wasn’t worth it.

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We started the climb back up and things looked very different from when we climbed down. Steeper. Scarier. Before this I had been a little uncomfortable but not enough to make me turn around. Now I was becoming more uncomfortable and my only option was to climb back up. Slowly, then more quickly, fear crept in. The thoughts of, “I don’t want to be here”, “I don’t know if we’re going to make it out of this”, “Will we make it out while it’s still light?”, you get the picture.

This led to a feeling of overwhelm in my chest. And I couldn’t find the right handhold and foothold to climb back up from where I was. I could tell I was going to lose it, I felt it coming. My husband kept asking me what he could do to help and I remember telling him, there wasn’t anything he could do to help. And then… I started to cry. I let the tears flow. Out of my eyes and on to my cheeks, and I’m guessing, on to the rock below me.

It was a release. A release of the pent up energy inside that felt trapped and had nowhere to go. A release of the fear I felt while clinging on to a rock and couldn’t see the way up. A release of the negativity swirling inside about what the outcome of all of this would be for me, my husband, and our dog.

And you know what happened after I let those tears flow for about a minute? I wasn’t nearly as afraid. I looked up and could see a different way to climb. A better way that would help us move forward. All I needed was to feel that fear, allow it to pass through in big crocodile tears, and the next step became clear.

Maybe you don’t backpack (or bushwhack). But I bet you’ve been afraid before. Afraid of what might or might not happen. Afraid of moving in the wrong direction and having everything fall apart. But how often do you really let yourself feel that fear in whatever form it takes? Feel it, let it just be there for a while, then release it in a way that feels right for you?

For me it was those tears. That energy wanted and needed to move so I let it. Because I did, the next step was clear. We really only need to see the next step. More often than not, honoring whatever you’re feeling in this moment allows you to see that next step. Because you’ve gotten it out of the way so you can see. We can’t see with blinders on.

So yes, we made it out safe. We hiked for about 11 hours that day and I was beat. We hadn’t planned on being out an extra night so didn’t have a dinner or breakfast packed. We ate whatever trail mix we had left. We didn’t starve and didn’t get injured.

I told my husband it was fine with me if we didn’t bushwhack again for a while.

But it reminded me again of the importance of really feeling what I needed to feel so that I could move forward.

The only way through, is through.

Leave a comment on the blog below if you’d like.

If you think, “I know one friend who would really like this”, please forward it to them.

If you found this helpful, let me know. I’d love to hear from you, susan@susancarrollcoaching.com

~ Susan

your true life (know it, feel it, live it)

There is no "Wrong" Emotion

You know I am a humongo fan of the author Elizabeth Gilbert. She writes amazing books, has a fantastic podcast (catch it here), and shares awesome anecdotes on her facebook page (which you can follow if you’d like). Very often she shares with the world so many things I carry on the inside. Sometimes I don’t even realize that what is true for me is actually true for her and others as well. I don’t always have the words for my deepest experiences and truth.

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But this Liz Gilbert Writing Goddess, she does have those words. And she makes sure she shares them, shining a light on so many of the important things in life.  

She shared this post on Facebook less than a month ago. It hit me square in my soul. I couldn’t just sum this up so decided to share what she wrote.

Liz Gilbert- Dear Ones: Once I went to visit a therapist because I was afraid I might be a sociopath. The reason I felt like a sociopath, is because I thought I was feeling THE WRONG EMOTION. Specifically, my story was this: I was a 30 year-old married woman, and I was supposed to want to have a baby — because that’s what married women are supposed to want when they are 30 years old. But I didn’t want to have a baby. The thought of having a baby filled me not with a sense of joy, but with a sense of dread.

So I figured I must be a sociopath — obviously! — and I went to a therapist to confirm this diagnosis. This woman helpfully explained to me the difference between a sociopath and myself. She said, “A sociopath does not feel any human emotion. You, on the other hand, are feeling plenty of human emotion, but the problem is, you believe you are feeling THE WRONG EMOTION. “

That’s why my life was falling apart — not because I couldn’t feel, but because I couldn’t accept my true feelings as legitimate. I was suffering and falling into depression because I still believed that there is a way that we are supposed to feel about every single life event (some sort of industry standard) and if my feelings deviated from that industry standard, then there was something deeply broken and wrong about me. I do not believe that anymore.

We are not Dell Operating Systems, people.

We are people, people.

And we are complex and unique and perfect and true, and there is no one way to feel.

There is a way that culture teaches you that you are supposed to feel….and then there is what you are actually feeling. And if can’t allow your true feelings to exist, because you’re trying to live within the socially acceptable feeling, then you will suffer, and you will try to cram yourself into the industry standard, or you will try to numb your true feelings with addiction or self-abuse, or you will just stop feeling anything at all (to the point that you almost DO resemble a sociopath.)

Oh, my loves, my loves, my loves…

Have you ever suffered because you believed you were feeling THE WRONG EMOTION?

For years, I have collected so many stories from friends about their experiences with THE WRONG EMOTION.

I have a friend who described her sense of grieving — acute, anguished grieving — on her wedding day. That’s THE WRONG EMOTION! You can’t feel grief about getting married, when 300 guests are waiting to gaze at you in your very expensive Vera Wang wedding gown! WRONG! And the shame she felt about that feeling of grief was so awful that her internal hard drive basically crashed for several years…effectively turning her into a socially-acceptable zombie, because feeling absolutely nothing was preferable to feeling THE WRONG EMOTION.

My friend the writer Ann Patchett recently wrote a brave and gorgeous essay about the tremendous joy she felt when her father finally died. He had suffered from an awful illness for years, and when he passed away, Ann felt not just relief…but joy! Ecstatic joy! And man, did she take some shit from the Internet for saying out loud that she was happy her father was dead, because that is THE WRONG EMOTION. And yet that’s what Ann felt — despite, or perhaps because, of the fact that she had adored her father, and been his caregiver. She felt joy for herself, and joy for him, because they had both reached the end of his suffering. And rather than keeping that WRONG EMOTION under wraps, she brought it out into the daylight and examined it, and talked about it openly, and shared it. Good for her.

I have a friend who finally said, “I hate Christmas, and I’ve always hated Christmas. I’m not doing it anymore.” WHAT?! WRONG EMOTION!

I have a friend who doesn’t feel any regret or sadness or ambivalence about that abortion she had thirty years ago. WHAT?! WRONG EMOTION.

I have a friend who stopped reading the news or being involved in activism and politics because he finally said, “Honestly? I don’t care anymore. I just don’t!” WRONG EMOTION!

I have a friend who stopped being a deacon in her church because she finally had to admit that she couldn’t swallow her church’s teachings anymore: WRONG EMOTION!

I have a friend who told me, “You know that expression about how nobody on their deathbed ever said, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at work’? Because family and friends are supposed to be more important than work? Well, I probably will be the one on my deathbed saying that I wish I’d spent more time at work, because I love working. I’m crazy about my job, and I love it more than anything! I wish I could work even more hours. My work fulfills me completely. I love my job more than I love my friends — and I find my job so much easier to deal with than my crazy family. Work is where I go for joy.” WHAT?! WRONG EMOTION!

I have a friend who thought she was insane because — after her husband left her — all she could feel was relief….after twenty years of a “good marriage”. She had given everything to that marriage, and she had loved him so faithfully, and then he bailed out on her. She should have been weeping! She should have felt bitter! She should have felt shamed and betrayed and enraged! There’s a script for how you are supposed to feel when your husband leaves you after you’ve been such a good wife, but she was deviating from the script, because all she felt was pure elation that he was gone and she was free. Her family was concerned about her for her reaction, because that’s THE WRONG EMOTION. They thought she might need to be medicated.

My mother once confessed to me that the happiest era of her life began when my sister and I finally grew up and went to college and she had an empty nest. THE WRONG EMOTION! Women are supposed to hate the empty nest! Mothers are supposed to mourn and collapse when their children leave home. But no. My mom wanted to dance a freakin’ jig when she dropped her daughters off at college and realized that she was — at last —done with us. All the other moms were weeping, but all my mother could feel was: “Yahoooo!” But she kept that feeling under wraps, because maternal ambivalence is the single most unacceptable emotion in our culture, and a “good mother” (whatever that even means, God help us) does NOT get to celebrate being free of her children, because: WRONG EMOTION. What would the neighbors say?

And here is the ultimate: A beloved friend of mine, years ago, was diagnosed with a terminal illness. This man, who loved life more than anyone I have ever met, admitted to me that his first thought — when the diagnosis came — was, “Oh, thank God.” And that feeling didn’t go away over time, either, even as his disease worsened. He felt such deep happiness. He felt like, “Phew, I’m done!” He was dying! He “should” have felt sorrow and rage and pain and loss. But all he could think was that there was so much he didn’t have to worry about anymore! He didn’t have to worry about saving for retirement anymore. He didn’t have to figure out how to deal with his most difficult relationships anymore. He didn’t have to worry about terrorism and global warming anymore. He didn’t have to worry about getting the roof on the garage fixed anymore. He didn’t even have to worry about dying anymore, because now he knew how his story would end. He was happy. And he stayed happy, throughout the whole journey toward his death. He told me, “Look, life is hard. Even a good life is hard, and I’ve had a very good life…but it’s hard. I’m excited that I get to leave this dinner party now. It’s been a fun party, but I’m tired. I’m ready to go.” WRONG EMOTION! The doctors told him he was in shock, and kept handing him brochures about grieving. But my friend wasn’t in shock. Shock is when you feel nothing; my friend was feeling something —happiness! The doctors just didn’t like it, because it was THE WRONG EMOTION. Not up to the industry standard. But my friend was standing in his truth – his very own truth — and if sixty years of conscious and openhearted living do not entitle a good man to stand in his own truth and feel his own feelings at the end of his life, then what is life even for?

My friends, listen: I want you to learn how to feel what you are feeling — not what you think you are SUPPOSED to feel, but what you ACTUALLY feel.

And I want you to guide your own life based on that, and only that. I want you to remove the WRONG EMOTION! button from your internal keyboard forever.

I want you to throw away the idea that there is an emotional industry standard, and that you must not deviate from it. My friend Rob Bell told me that he used to ask his therapist all the time, “Is it normal that I feel this way?”, and the therapist would always reply, “Oh, Rob…we passed normal a long time ago.”

I passed normal a long time ago, too. I will not inflict upon myself anymore the shame and suffering of questioning my own reactions to life, or burying my own true feelings because I am not feeling what I’m allegedly supposed to feel.

If I feel joy, than that joy is right and real…for me.

If I feel grief, than that grief is right and real….for me.

If I love someone, then that love is right and real…for me.

If I feel mistrust or aversion to people I am supposed to trust and admire, then that feeling of mistrust is right and real…for me.

And if I feel admiration for people I’m not supposed to admire, than that feeling of admiration is right and real…for me.

Nobody benefits when I try to make myself feel ways that I do not feel, and nobody benefits when I try to make myself NOT feel ways that I do feel…and nobody benefits when you do that, either.

Feel what you feel, allow your emotions to be legitimate, fearlessly examine your own reactions to your own life, and live your absolute truth — there is no other pathway to integrity than that.

Anything short of that is truly WRONG. (For you.) ☺ ONWARD, LG

Me- I found myself having some of the same experiences and feelings she mentioned. Maybe you will too.

Her podcast again here, and her facebook page, here.

Leave a comment on the blog below if you’d like.

If you think, “I know one friend who would really like this”, please forward it to them.

If you found this helpful, let me know. I’d love to hear from you, susan@susancarrollcoaching.com

~ Susan

your true life (know it, feel it, live it)